


Endangered Species

by ileolai



Series: Fawlty TARDIS [4]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Missy/Twelve (mentioned), gratuitous mocking of panda bears, last of their species baww
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 17:32:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14169975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ileolai/pseuds/ileolai
Summary: Bill and Nardole discuss Twelve and Missy's ''situation'' over crisps. (Brief dialogue fic from my journal that I expanded a little.)





	Endangered Species

Bill and Nardole are comfortably parked on a couch in the TARDIS, in front of a television, with a variety of snack foods steathily raided from the Doctor's private stash.

Bill (who may not be entirely sober) is enthralled by some National Geographic nature documentary, something about a zoo. She's munching through crisps like it's a cinematic experience. Nardole, however, is paying no attention to it; he's quite content to be knitting ... something.

The narrator on the telly is dryly describing the ongoing saga of Ling-Ling and Mai-Mai, a pair of giant pandas.

 _''These critically endangered giant pandas,''_ he drawls,  _''are part of the Save the Pandas breeding program. Unfortunately, Ling-Ling has shown no interest in Mai-Mai ...''_

The camera zooms in on the dopey-looking, exanimate bears --

_''... for fifteen consecutive years.''_

\-- and Bill snorts, almost spluttering on her crisps.

''Nardole,'' she says. ''Check it out.''

''Hm?''

''It's them, innit.''

''Who?''

''The Doctor and Bitch Face.''

Nardole peers over his glasses, notes the chubby mammals trundling around their habitat, then returns to his whatever-it-is. ''No,'' he says. ''Those are panda bears.''

('Bitch Face' is left notably uncontested.)

''I mean-- metaphorically, right?'' Bill insists. ''Like-- 'cuz pandas don't shag?''

''Ohh, I see.'' He concedes, but in a sort of 'whatever-you-say-I-still-think-you're-mental' tone. 

The narrator continues to illustrate the drama --  _''Sadly, the future of these rare, majestic creatures remains in jeopardy''_ \-- while on screen, Mai-Mai is now apparently gnawing on Ling-Ling's head. Her pudgy compatriot, however, is munching on bamboo, cheerfully oblivious.

Bill desperately needs Nardole to grasp the joke here, but he's consumed with his stupid thing.

''Nardole. Look at this. She's eating his head. This is unreal.  _Look._ ''

''No, thank you.'' He sniffs, apparently unmoved by poor Ling-Ling's plight. ''I don't like panda bears.''

''What--'' this propels Bill to utter an indignant, mouth-full-of-crisps kind of squawk -- ''Who doesn't like panda bears??! What's wrong with you-- everyone loves pandas! They're _pandas._  They're _endangered_. They're fuckin' ADORABLE, Nardole.''  

Pausing, appearing briefly pensive, then frowning, Nardole responds: ''Mm. Untrustworthy creatures.'' Then resumes his knitting again.

''Righto then.''

TV-and-snacks night continues, with the narrator droning on about the calamitous domestic situation of Ling-Ling and Mai-Mai, occasionally punctuated by Bill's delighted giggling.


End file.
